Relationship Advice from Someone Who Has No Idea What They Are Talking About

Chapter 3: An Episode of the Over Analytical Mind


It has occurred to me that taking English Literature has led me to be overly analytical of inconsequential occurrences. To explain, Reader, I will detail two conversations.

The first was with Baby Player, which occurred before the events of chapter one transpired. We were doing one of the many various mindless tasks that restaurant work entails and, as doing, set our tongues-a-wagging.

“So how’s your love life then?” He asks me.

I laughed, “Same old shit!” I was still dating Posh Twat at the time.

“What about at Uni? Is there no one there you like?”

“There is nothing for me at Uni. They are all younger than me.”

Pay attention, here comes the interesting part.

“So? You’re hot enough to get a younger guy.” He replies.

Now this statement intrigued me and I started to unpick the implications in my mind.

First of all there was the inference that younger guys were of a higher calibre and therefore a girl needed to be particularly attractive to land one. It was as if being younger made them higher quality item. Their own attractiveness seemed to be of no moment; youth being the golden ticket.

Second, that Baby Player apparently deemed me worthy of this ticket.

Finally, it had not occurred to him that I did not want to date someone younger than me. It did not register to him that women usually date older men for a reason. Maturity levels, experience, money; there are countless reasons, but none of this seemed relevant to Baby Player. The sole reason, in his opinion, for most women not to date a younger man was that they were not ‘hot enough’ to do so.

Later on that week I relayed the conversation to Post Twat, who sat patiently as I explained my thought processes to him. He listened attentively as I detailed the inferences in this statement and the connotations that could be derived from it. I referred to the language; the use of the word enough as if there was a level to be achieved before one could enter into the toy-boy regime. I referred to the tone of the statement; the lack of doubt showing that it did not occur to him that I might not want to go for a younger man. I concluded that this was a fascinating insight into the mind and opinions of Baby Player.

To all this Posh Twat waited tolerantly before turning to me and saying, “Hun, Baby Player is younger than you. I think he wants to sleep with you.”

“Oh.”

Oh...

That hadn’t occurred to me.