Tuesday, 28 July 2009

These Thing are Sent to Try Us…

People that put other people down to makes themselves look like a big man, or to get a laugh, or to make themselves feel better about their own pathetic lives are just petty, ignorant arseholes and deserve to been lined up and shot!

Everyone knows someone like that, I don't know where they learn that it is acceptable behaviour, but the bastards are everywhere!

The sort of person that will say things like "Well you don't have a dog and bark yourself!" about their co workers.

The person who will point out when someone leaves early and play the martyr with their own work hours.

The type of person who will humiliate a colleague just to get a laugh from the rest of the office.

I have mentioned this person before, I believe I described them as a crack addict of public attention. Meaning that they crave the laughter and recognition to the point where they will stop at nothing to get it. Resulting in a cruel and twisted person who whom nothing is sacred, who will mock and jeer at anyone about anything as long as there is an audience to watch.

I hate those sorts of people and unfortunately I have the misfortune of working very closely with such an odious little man. His behaviour to date never ceases to shock me, bitchier than a teenage girl and crueller than someone who drowns puppies for a living, he continues his reign of terror, and as long as someone laughs he is happy. To be honest I think people laugh because they are grateful his attention is diverted, with such witty repartee as "You Loser!" it can't be the content. Frankly I have heard enough homophobic, misogynistic, and racist jokes to last me a lifetime.

On a day like today when he has the audacity to call me stupid, me stupid, I can't help but close my eyes and chant 6 weeks to go... Coming from the man who barely finished school, whose conversation makes Homer Simpson look like Einstein, and has spent his youth binge drinking on street corners, this man is calling me stupid!

Oh well, in a couple of months I will be in a whole new town, with a whole new environment and with a whole new set of problems. Although in the mean time I may put superglue on his phone, give everyone else a laugh for a change...

Let's Think Outside the Box for a Moment...

You know what makes me laugh about working in HR and Recruitment? The secret language, there are code words and phrases that everyone used. Everyone knows what they mean really but we can't just say that can we? Nooooo, political correctness and HR propaganda gone bananas, so here's some examples of the guff we send to the agencies.

  • We have candidates with similar exposure in a lower salary bracket - He's too damn expensive!
  • We have stronger candidates in a lower salary bracket - He's too damn expensive and not worth the money even if we had it!
  • You don't have the right exposure for our clients - You don't have enough experience. Yeah I said it, experience feel free to call the age discriminating police!
  • We have stronger candidates in the mix - What is this shit you have sent us?

See what I mean? Utter lunacy! And don’t even get me started on the Buzz Words…

“We are going to socialise this idea.” – Socialise? Socialise? So we are going to take the idea out get it drunk and introduce it to new people are we?

“We need to think outside the box on this one.” – Dear God! Have I been in a box this whole time and didn’t realise?

“Candidates in the mix…” - Mix? We are talking about people not raisins, they are not in a mix, mix is what you do when baking.

“We need someone who can hit the ground running.” – As opposed to all those people we hire who are just there to stand around looking pretty.

“There need to be as much visibility on this as possible.” – You there, open your eyes! Look at this!

Yes, Yes, I know what they mean, and I have even used them (it’s catching) but they are silly really…

Monday, 27 July 2009

To Cuddle or not to Cuddle?

Now, gentlemen, your attention please. When it comes to the end of the evening, just before you go to sleep and the cuddling issue comes up, I ask you to consider a few points.

Women are at their most vulnerable directly after sex. Cuddling is more about reassurance than anything else. Reassurance that we haven’t just done something that we will regret.

For men sex is about possession. For women sex is about giving something away. That’s why when women are raped they feel that they are robbed, that something is stolen from them.

Men take women. Women give themselves to men.

When you think about it, it’s just Biology. Women have to allow something into their body, an alien appendage.

So men need to understand why the post coital activities are important to women, it’s not pointless, try to think of it as calming an upset child. We revert back to our teenage selves worrying and unsure if we have just given our virginity to our first love or an asshole.

A few moments of your time, a little intimacy, a peck on the cheek and you’re done. Crisis averted.

Plus you have just put down the deposit for a morning blow-job.

Think about it.

Friday, 17 July 2009

One of Those Days

You know when you just have of those days? It’s like the big guy upstairs has a certain quota of unlucky per person but instead of spreading it out you will get a whole pile in one day for his amusement!

So far today I have managed to oversleep, then as a result of being late I ran out of the house with neither a brolly nor a coat. Upon my arrival at the train station it had started to rain. Still hoping to catch my train, I was unsuccessful of course, I made a mad dash to the station. In the 500 metres there is to the cover of the platform the clouds managed to pour out an entire weeks worth of rain, needless to say I was soaked through. So there I was soaked and shivering, cowering in the stairwell waiting for the next train, peering at the information board through rain spotted and slightly misty glasses.

Once I make it to work I have to go straight into a meeting with no time for coffee or breakfast and proceed to feel weak with hunger the whole way through, I’m just glad no one asked me any questions because my brain just doesn’t function when I’m hungry! Finally falling out of the meeting I proceed to squelch around the office, first locating a hair clip to hold back my unruly fringe (thanks rains) then breakfast. Once I was no longer malnourished I then turned my attention to the wet areas south of my ankles, remembering that a colleague had a small heater under her desk I decided to retrieve it. After bumping my head and crawling under not one but two desks I finally wiggled it free, and set it up under my own desk to dry out my shoes and feet.

Some how during my escapade under the desks I had managed to cut my leg, and fearing the cleanliness of whatever sharp object habituates under a dusty piece of furniture I though it prudent to clean the wound. Now bearing in mind I was still half asleep and already feeling a little dopey I figured I would uses some antibacterial gel for my hands in the absence of any wipes. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! When I had finished jumping round pulling faces and breathing through my teeth, waiting for the pain to stop I reasoned that antibacterial gel was not supposed to go on open wounds, made a mental note.

The rest of the day has consisted of me banging my knee when I went to the toilet, dropping things, spilling my coffee, forgetting that I had put sugar in my coffee and having to drink it with two, breaking a nail, poking myself in the eye and falling over my own feet!

Anyone else think I should have taken a duvet day?

Still at least it is nearly the end, then I can go home and stay away from sharp objects until the day is over.

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

The Other Side of the Story - Blue Anchor

You know what I think is the most galling aspect of being let go? Not being able to have your say! I was recently let go of a pub I have worked in on and off since for the last five years and has been a big part of my life and the local community for as long as I can remember. I can name every landlord that has been in it during my lifetime, I have even worked for most of them. I know most of the regulars by sight if not by name, my family and friends drink there, and most importantly I care about what happens to the pub.

Most people my age grow up without a sense of community, it’s the times we live in, personally I feel like I have had community shoved down my throat during every meal and I think I am a better person for it! I believe I have the best of both worlds, I can go to work in the City and be anonymous but when I come home to my little village, with its little local pub, I get a sense of peace that is hard to describe to those who don’t know it. Some of the people I work with have lived in the big smoke their entire lives and have a real ‘London edge’ to them, this only proves to make me more grateful for living in a place where you can say good morning to a complete stranger and not receives an icy stare in response.

Now, having been a part of something for such a long time I find it particularly distasteful for an outsider to muscle in and tell me I don’t belong. It just makes my blood boil to hear stories that said stranger is running around telling people that this is “her pub” and that “she is the boss and people shouldn’t forget that”. Am I missing something? Correct me if I'm wrong but you wouldn’t have much of a trade if you continued to make your customers feel unwanted and unappreciated. That sort of you-can-like-it-or-lump-it attitude may be fine in a big city where you trade is different everyday but in a small country pub the locals and regulars have a say, well either they do or they will vote with their feet.

The Pub in question has been through a lot recently, the poor thing, one landlord leaving, a new set, then them leaving and then two sets of holding managers that leave a lot to be desired. All in the space of a year! Now no business will thrive with this much change but as long as they continue to do the basics i.e. serve beer, it will limp along, but no one ever stops to think of the staff. Every pub is run differently, this much I have learnt during my short years, everyone has their own style and how they want things to be done. As in every new job you get a probationary period to learn how to do things a certain way, but what if you are expected to just get on with it? New people, every other week but the staff is the same, desperately trying to please their new owners by learning as fast as they can how to do things their way.

Needless to say it didn’t work out for me, I was fired for doing something one way when she wanted it done another. Must have forgotten to power up my psychic powers that day as I didn’t quite manage to read her mind on that occasion. When I pleaded for another chance she informed me that this was “her licence” and basically that meant she could do what she pleased. Even when a valued customer implored on my behalf she retorted quite rudely that “she was the boss” and that “people should remember that”. Well my response to her is that she should remember that we have had four sets of Bosses this year alone and we aren’t the ones that are disposable.

As I started off by saying is that the most galling aspect of the whole situation is that while I am cast out in the cold she is sitting pretty inside her ivory tower, she is free to say whatever she want to deface my character and I cannot defend myself! Well, I'm afraid that just isn’t good enough! As ridiculous as it sounds I have been extremely upset by the whole situation, because you see it’s not just a job, I don’t do it for the money (although it is handy). I do it because I loved being part of something, and now that has been taken away from me, taken away by someone who doesn’t understand what that pile of bricks and mortar means.

So this is my way of fighting back! My way of getting my thoughts into the world and pushing back on those who would have me limp meekly away. This is my side of the story!

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

The Un-Dead in London

I realised the other day that I am a vampire. Yes, I am pale and partial to a nibble now and then, but that's not what I meant! I cannot enter a man's home uninvited, and like the mystical predator from ancient lore I am very particular about this. I have to be invited. I think this is some sort of reaction from the British politeness, manners and low self esteem, you do not enter someone else home without an invitation and I want to make sure you want me there.

So let me clear something up for you, 'You can stay if you want' is not an invitation, that is a statement that will always be met with the questions 'Do you want me to stay?', to which men always reply 'well I wouldn't have asked if I didn't.' Infuriating isn't it? But you didn't ask!! You made some vague reference to me staying if I had no one else to go or if I really wanted to, which puts me in league with a homeless person. Nice.

Let me let you in on a secret, if I stay... you. will. get. laid. Now, bearing that in mind I fell we can do better than 'You can stay if you want', how about please? It's a request on your part, you want to get some, we know it and you know it, so lets not beat around the bush. We have something you want, so the least you can do is put in your request. Would it really be so hard for you to say 'Would you like to stay over?' or even 'I would like you to stay' dare i say even a please?

I know you men are still labouring under the illusion that you need to treat them mean to keep them keen but let me point something out to the vast majority of you, blowing hot and cold is all very good, I am the first to admit it works, but the catch is when you are hot you need to be nice. Acting like you don't give a shit to our faces only pisses us off! The whole point is to treat us so nice that when you don't call for three weeks we are desperate for you to, then when you do we jump like a trained Chihuahua. If you act like you don't care, then don't call all we are going to think is what a prick and move on.

I speak from experience, I have fallen prey to it many a time, relationship games, don't you just love them! Actually no, I hate them, and have so far managed to avoid them (I almost fell off my chair when he called at the time he said he would.) So let's consider another thought, he's acting laid back because, shock of all shock, he’s a laid back guy. Which is fine, in my hectic, about to be turned upside-down life, a bit of nonchalance is welcome, we just need to work on the particulars.

Me = Vampire

All together now, 'Will you stay over, please?'

Of course, I will, in fact I would be delighted! Now I feel welcome and wanted, everyone's happy.